I woke up bitter this morning. I do that every now and then. Usually it happens on Sundays, but it's Saturday today, so maybe my bitterness will start to extend and eventually take up my whole life.

I was 17 when I joined the LDS church in 1980. Yes, I know, I'm giving away my age. I can see you all counting on your fingers.

At that time in the church there was a strong emphasis on marrying young and having lots of children right away. I remember being told money should never be a reason not to have children, that the Lord would provide. Although we were told to get an education, it was with the understanding that it was just something to do until you got married. Being a full-time Mom was the only thing we should really aspire to. We felt sorry for the poor girl who got to 21 and wasn't married so she ended up going on a mission, and horror of horrors if you got to 25 and still wasn't married.

I know, it sounds like something out of the time of hoop skirts and bustles, but it wasn't. While the rest of the world was encouraging women to get degrees and be independent, we were obsessing over when we would get a man before we got out of teenhood.

At least that's the message I got.

Part of me fought against that message. I told people I wanted to go to BYU because I heard they had a good drama program and I was laughed at and told that I just wanted to get my MRS degree. In the end, the things I was taught won out and I got married at 20, had my first baby at 21, my second at 22 and by the time I was 30 I was pregnant with number 5.

Now, let me make this clear. I do not regret having any of my children. I was told by the Lord to have them and they were intended for me and I love them all dearly. Having said that, there are things I wish I had done differently because the reality of life has not only hit me in the face, but has smacked me down, beaten me up, and continues to knock me down every time I attempt to rise.

Reality Number 1 - Few of us choose to marry someone who will completely let us down, but it can still happen to the best and wisest of us. I've seen bishops suddenly up and leave their wives and the church. Seemingly devout men will have affairs, the straight guy will decide he's gay, and the upstanding priesthood holder can turn out to be an abusive jerk. Divorce happens.

Reality Number 2 - Even strong marriages can experience bad times. Unemployment, sickness, accidents, bad economies and death can lead to the necessity of a SAHM having to find a job.

Reality Number 3 - No one is going to give you a job because you made cupcakes for the school bake sales, taught Sunday School, and fought for modest cheerleading outfits. Twenty years changing diapers, driving kids to soccer practice and making nutritious meals, although all important, isn't going to get you anything that can support your family. Employers don't care if you're smart, funny and talented. What employers do care about is when your last job was, where it was, how long you held onto it, what you did in that job, why you are no longer at that job and the time frame between jobs.

Reality Number 4 - You may very well get divorced from someone who will not only not pay spousal support, but might do everything he can to avoid child support as well.

Reality Number 5 - Businesses don't hire 50 year olds fresh out of college. Why should they when they've got 20 and 30 year olds to choose from, people who will be around for a while and won't have health problems. They look at a 50 year old as a heart attack ready to happen.

Reality Number 6 - Although you'll hear from church members that we should take care of the fatherless and widowed, you will still hear talks in church on being self-sufficient and society will look down on you for getting help from the government, causing you to feel like a parasite on the butt of life.

Reality Number 7 - Most minimum wage jobs suck and have no future.Who wants to spend the rest of your working life in a job that you hate? 8-9 hours a day of misery only to come home to screaming children which you have no energy for because that stupid dead end job took every ounce of your reserves.

Reality Number 8 - Even if you have a degree, that degree means very little if you've been twenty years out of the work force.

Reality Number 9 - Your mother may have told you that looks don't matter. They do. And the lower down your job, the more important they are. Don't believe me? Take a look around at your servers the next time you're in a restaraunt.

I've been in the Young Women's program recently for a couple of years. You would think that with the way things are, there would have been some changes. Now there are a few more lessons on getting an education, but the main purpose of the YW program is to get those girls married in the temple. I have nothing against this, but I think we're cheating our YW by not telling them more, by not advocating education and career more than we are.

My daughter who is enjoying her career in restaurant management told me something disturbing. She said that LDS men aren't interested in girls with careers. They want girls with jobs that they can happily drop and leave. They would rather date a waitress than a restaurant manager. They would rather go out with a grocery clerk than a lawyer. They want girls with no professional aspirations. What are we teaching our sons? To want girls who won't be the best they can be? Girls who can't challenge them or earn more money than them?

I remember talking to a man about Shari Dew. He said "What man could approach Shari Dew romantically. She's too high up." (or something along those lines. The point being that Shari Dew is too successful for an LDS man to be comfortable with). I was so flabbergasted (isn't that a great word) I didn't know how to respond to that.

So what messages are our YW and single sisters getting? That if we desire a temple marriage (a good thing), then we better do it young (because there's that whole sexual desire thing and keeping clean) and single men don't want women who are equal to them professionally. It hurts their male ego.

It's no wonder that I still see 19 year olds quitting university, getting married and having kids right away.

So based on those realities that I discovered the hard way, here's my advice to single sisters of all faiths (and non-faiths).

1. Get a degree. Get 2 degrees. Finish going to school. Get a career that you love. And don't stop your education. Keep going to school even when you've got 5 kids under the age of 5 clinging to your legs and spitting up on your shirt. Even if it's only one class a semester.

2. Keep your fingers in your chosen profession. A part time position or working from home isn't going to hurt your kids. Remember reality number 8? You actually need work experience on a resume.

3. Don't get married until you've got a degree. I know, I can feel the prophets smashing my head over this, but here's another part of the reality. Once you're married the kids come. You can do what you want about not having them, but they'll come anyway. And guess who's education gets sidelined once you've got kids. Yep, it's yours. Because it becomes even more important that he finish his degree to support the family. And you can tell yourself that you can go back, but it becomes just that much harder because not only do you have to worry about supporting yourself and taking care of yourself, there's a lot of other people counting on you. You're better off earning your degree when you don't have any other responsibilities other than you.

3. Serve a church or Peace Corp mission. It can only make you grow and give you valuable experiences. Yes, I know for an LDS church mission you have to be (gasp) 21, but you'll have finished your bachelors by then. Other churches have their mission requirements and the Peace Corp has theirs. How better can you learn selfless service which prepares you for marriage and motherhood?

4. Travel. Not just to the next state or province to visit grandma but to the other side of the world. Go to different countries. Try new foods. Learn the history and the culture. I have never ever heard anyone say "I wish I had never travelled."

5. Work in your career of choice. Yes, eventually you may very well decide to be a SAHM, but have some full time experience in the work force in your chosen career first. And like I said before, don't completely let that go.

6. Live on your own before you get married. This does not include living with relatives. You need to be on your own, with or without roommates. You need to know how to pay the rent and utilities, buy food, and what it's like to be alone at night watching garbage on TV while eating ice cream. You have to know how to handle the landlord, do your own laundry, and how to maintain your car. You need to know this stuff before you bring other people into the world.

7. Date a lot. Get your heart broken. Don't settle for the first guy who comes along unless God appears and tells you this is the one. Keep yourself chaste so you don't make stupid decisions because you slept with him. Have fun.

8. Build a circle of good girl friends. They will help you through the tough times.

9. Don't get married just because you're almost 25, or 30, or whatever age you think is too late. You'll only find yourself divorced.

10. Don't limit what you're capable of because you're worried that it would intimidate a guy. You don't want a guy easily intimidated anyway. What kind of husband and father would that kind of guy make? You want a man that's secure in himself because then he doesn't have to put you down. He'll want you to be smart and successful and every wonderful thing that you are.

11. Get fit and stay fit. Make this a priority. When you do have children try and lose the weight before you have another. I know, it's hard, even in some cases impossible, but try. Even if you hate it. Thin and pretty gets the job before overweight will. Besides, the healthier you are the better for you and your loved ones.

Okay, so there's my bitter rant. I'm sure at this point, I'm going to hell, but I wish someone had told me this 30 years ago.